Transform Your Relationships:
Give the Gift of Undivided Attention

Think back over the last two weeks. How many times did you experience someone as listening to you in a way that let you know he/she really, truly heard you – not just your words, but the feeling and meaning behind them? Whenever I pose this question to a room full of university students or workshop participants, the majority of people consistently report 0 -2 instances of feeling heard. Yet human beings have a need to feel acknowledged and valued. Regardless of our rank, position, or status in life, we all want to know that somehow we matter.

Dr. Howard Tuckman had a rare gift that went far beyond his stellar academic credentials: giving people his undivided attention. I discovered that gift many years ago during a Christmas party hosted by the Economics department at the University of Memphis, where he was a newly arrived distinguished professor and I was a part-time lecturer. As we engaged in conversation amid dozens of festive party-goers, I experienced a new and heady sensation: that I was the most important person in the room to him, and he couldn’t wait to hear what I had to say.

I have no recollection of what we talked about, or how long the conversation lasted. No doubt it was only a few minutes. Yet during that brief interaction he transformed my world through the message conveyed by his undivided attention: that I am a highly valued person whose presence matters in this world.

Fast forward several decades to today’s world, where people pride themselves on multitasking, where social media and other forms of technology have largely replaced personal contact, and where there never seem to be enough hours in the day. Imagine the positive impact you can have on your staff, your customers, and your family and friends by taking just a few minutes to call a figurative time out. It doesn’t matter what you say; what matters is that you stop everything to focus on the person in front of you. Perhaps it’s a colleague or employee faced with a challenging project, or a customer who feels unappreciated, or a teenager suffering the angst of growing up. Imagine the difference you would make in their lives if you took a few moments to let them know you hear them.

Giving one’s undivided attention is a skill that can be learned and improved with practice. Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Stop whatever you’re doing.
2. Whether you’re standing or sitting, position yourself so that you’re facing the other person.
3. Make eye contact as appropriate (remembering that in some cultures, making eye contact is considered disrespectful).
4. Act as though there are only the two of you in the entire world by remaining focused on the other person. Do not look around to see who else is there or what else is going on.
5. Engage in active listening – e.g., nod your head, ask relevant prompting or follow-up questions, paraphrase what was said, lean slightly forward.
6. Use body language and behaviors to convey the message that you’ve got all the time in the world for this person – e.g., refrain from looking at your watch or checking your phone, relax your body to indicate you’re not going anywhere until the conversation is over.
7. Discern the meaning behind the words by noticing the person’s body language and tone of voice.
8. Remember: you’re not there to solve a problem. You’re there to acknowledge the person’s value by listening deeply and respectfully.

By following these steps, you can be the person who gives a priceless gift to others. Your cost: a few minutes of your time and attention. Your rewards: more respectful, trusting, and collaborative relationships, and the satisfaction of knowing that you have made a tremendous difference in the world.

I leave you with this challenge: give the gift of your undivided attention at least once a day throughout the coming year. See for yourself how it changes your life and those of others.

Best wishes for a happy, safe, productive, and healthy 2015!

To find other articles and resources that may be of value to you, I invite you to visit my web site at www.BusinessAlignmentStrategies.com and my blog at www.OptimizeBusinessResults.com.

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